What Do I Fear?

My biggest fear is the fear of failure.

Growing up, I seriously thought my dad had great pleasure in telling me how stupid I was. Especially when I had to ask him for help with math. It seemed that us four older ones could never do anything right. He didn’t actually call us failures but we were disappointments. His negativity has been ingrained in me. When I feel that I have done something wrong, his voice I hear. I allow myself to listen to his voice for maybe a split second. My little sister’s voice takes over. She tells me to be positive. Sometimes I wish he was still here so that I could ask him why he couldn’t be proud of us all. None of us smoked, did drugs, or got in trouble in school. There are just some things I do not understand when it comes to my father.

I am in school, at my age! I fear that I may fail a course. Sometimes I wonder if my writing is good enough. I have always wanted to be a writer. I often second guess myself about that. I am my own worst enemy. I can nitpick something that I have written to death.

I am ignoring his (Dad’s) voice more and more. I am learning to tell it to shut up and go away! I try to be more positive about my writing. I guess what I am saying is that I feel that I need validation.

Hope your day is full of sunshine and laughter!

Laurie Jackson πŸ™‚

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4 thoughts on “What Do I Fear?

  1. Fear of not being good enough is something I’ve struggled with, too. It can drive you (and others) nuts. I’ve finally come to understand that humans make mistakes–they can’t be perfect. So when I make a mistake, I say, “Just proving, once again, that I’m human.” It helps. It really does. ❀

    Like

  2. Laurie, I am obviously way, way behind on reading Writing 101 posts! This was an incredibly honest admission, thank you for being courageous enough to share it! Sometimes sharing something out loud is the first step to victory. I think many people have this fear at some level, that we are somehow just “not good enough” – a big lie!
    The main thing that helps me is knowing who God says I am, He is the authority over my life and the One whose “voice” I most want to hear and believe. “There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. God’s “voice” never tries to make us feel bad about ourselves, that is the validation you seek!
    Blessings, B.

    Liked by 1 person

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